Falling Apart

  About four years ago I chose to go back to school and at the same time I made that decision everything in my life went wrong. 

The week I started researching online programs, a patient fell on me and sprained my neck. I was put out of work .  Things kept getting worse but I decided this minor setback can't stop me and I continued my search for schools. I chose a few online programs in my career path and started speaking to student advisors. A few days into my search my sister and daughter were in a car accident. During the entire ordeal my marriage was falling apart and the same week of the car accident my husband moved out. 

I was laying on my couch ( most comfortable place) after taking the muscle relaxers prescribed, and all I could think of was "what else could go wrong?" as I was finally drifting off to sleep.  All of a sudden a loud, forceful knock on my door shuck me out of my sleep.  Reminded me not to ask that question again. It took a few minutes to register what was happening and get off the couch, but finally got up and open the door. There stood the housing Marshall there to serve me an eviction notice with my landlady. I was so over the day I took the paper and told them they are rude and thanked them. I told them "I am not signing anything, and you can describe me" as I closed the door in their face. I laid back down and went to sleep. I had no energy to deal with a seventy-two-hour eviction notice. My gross income put me in a tax bracket where I made too much for help but not enough to survive, so affordable housing by income was a lot.  I was unable to find a home suitable for my daughter and I the places that I could afford look like crack dens. It is so frustrating to work full time and have still had trouble paying rent.

I was numb and tired I was becoming overwhelming.


I finally ran out of options, and I ask my husband to come back and help me pack.  As the deadline approached, I had no place to stay, and the apartments I saw weren't viable options. I had one more option I prayed. I called my uncle and asked if he had a room for me to stay. He said he did and I moved in. As I talked to my uncle, he tells me that my grandmother is the hospital and she is not doing well. 
I just knew she was going to be ok so I decided that she will be ok.

I was only thinking about myself, but the reality was, I could barely walk, and I was in excruciating pain, and I was sharing custody of my daughter, and because I had the car, I drove 76 miles each way to get her. I could barely sit, but I had to see her, she was my little light. I was over what ever severe challenges God had for me next. I wanted to give up; I kept fighting for her.

I was so used to chaos as a common place but this time around I felt like I was losing it. I wanted to fix it and stop the chaos to from entering my life. I wanted a break, to think because I was starting to feel crazy.  I started to drink to numb the pain. Just one glass during the week a bottle or two on weekends of sparkling wine to whine down the crazy.  I thought great another three years of hell, and I was right. It was a pattern in my life.
 In November of that year, my grandmother died I was devastated. I thought about the life she lived and prayed she died happily, She was 74 years old, but I hoped she lived. 

I cried for my aunts; I cried because death was so real and permanent! I cried because my mom and I barely had a relationship and I did not know if we ever could. I cried because it was too much pain!

This was my life, here we go again!  Every 2 or 3 years my life seems to blows up, and although it comes back together, I lost so much. In the 13 years of my marriage, I spent so many years in this cycle I could not understand what I was missing what lesson did I miss.
I was so tired of this cycle that I did not ask God why. I did not even bother to wonder why this was happening to me again. I was angry at myself! I blamed myself I was blowing up my own life, but I could not stop it. 
 I had already turned the pilot light off and let the gas seep out the stove, and I smelled it. I convinced everyone that everything was fine, but I knew anything could happen. I was smiling and laughed all the while in pain and hurting I held onto my daughter as tight as I  could to protect her, but I was also holding the matches ready to light them.

 I could not be shocked as the walls of my house fell apart.  I think my whole life was wrong and this was not new. The fire was consuming me, and I was not even in shock as I stood there fanning the flames by letting things in my life spiraling more out of control. I  was hoping I would die during this, but I knew he would not let me die because I had to keep going through this pain. I expect to live with the consequences, but I was getting angry. 

I never had an easy life, and my childhood wasn't great. I grew up so confident that because of all the pain I endured my life would be that much better. Boy Was I wrong.

This is my story at least part of it anyway.