Looking for me

      I don't remember the day I lost me but I remember the day I realized I was lost. I wondered where everyone was when she disappeared.
I listen to women like Oprah and my cousin talk about how they overcame their abuse, and all I could think of is how I missed the opportunity to be a better woman. I felt like it destroyed who I could have been, my first destiny.
I would hear their stories and cry happy tears because they overcame but then my heart would break because I also felt like a failure. The weekend I went to Oprah Winfrey's The life you want. I cried a lot all these amazing things that should be in my "well-rounded circle of family, friends, education and travel were empty. I remember one women was crying because she felt discouraged and we cheering her on because of her educational accomplishments, we cheered on others women who felt disappointed but had other accomplishments like purchasing their home or getting second degrees although they felt they didn't have much We encouraged them and was happy they had more then they thought. I cried because as we celebrated their achievements', I realized I didn't even have that to celebrate. I kept thinking why didn't I overcome my abuse and be this empowered well-rounded women.
I spent 20yrs of my 34yrs looking for me. The me I was before I was sexual assault. The person I could be, had I not been fighting depression and suicide.
I went looking for Me in my 14yr old self. I found a boy who loved me back then. It took too long to realize he didn't love me now. It took me too long to realize I didn't love him either. I was delusional about what he meant to me and me how he felt. I loved the dream we had at 14yrs old but we weren't the same people we were back then. I was damaged goods, and he never let me forget it, with every comparison to other women, to every snarky remark about my now overweight body. He never let me forget I was something to do. The look of intensity I took for as love the couple minutes of passion as a down payment. I would drop everything to show him I loved him and he would tell me all the reasons he could never love me. I figured it was a matter of time before he changed his mind and loved me back because he knew me when before I was the girl being abused when I could separate what was happening to me and my real life. He also knew he didn't want me, but he never let me walk away until I decided to set the bridge on fire that connects us.

Where was she? I went to look for her in a man, and when I couldn't find her in him, I looked for her in alcohol, partying, other women and sex.
I decided to use sex, partying and alcohol by being present in it enjoying every shot of tequila and every glass of champagne every drunken night every strip club and every song to quiet the pain. I even tried smoking which didn't last long. It was all for the love of a good time.
Sex was mine to give now, and I wanted to be good.  I was allowing them to be with me they should be honored. It was no longer being taken from me or used to control me I authorized this sexual encounter, and I decide what I want to do. I figured I could get back my power. I wanted to be better than whoever they had before because I wanted them to love me so I can control their heart but who was I fooling?
Sex was good, but I was left feeling empty.


The man I met at 18 years old loved me in spite of the broken person I was. He was my friend even when I didn't know what I was looking for. He let me hold a piece of his heart and I damaged it. I didn't realize it until I decided to accept that I am the girl who was sexually abused for close to 8 years of her life.
 I was so angry at myself for hurting him that I pushed him away because he was my reality. He reminded me that I was broken. I was looking for this spark and fireworks, but he wasn't that. He was security, consistency, and reality. He gave me space to find who I was and what I needed.
He became my hero my savior, my superman and when he lost himself in our brokenness and fell apart, I had to accept he was human and I had to learn to love him like he loved me for the years I went searching for me.

I had to find my peace in someone bigger than us both because our daughter needs whole parents.

I found myself overwhelmed with sadness because I didn't understand my purpose and I was ashamed of what I've done. I couldn't figure out why I didn't die when I tried to commit suicide or my many days partying, drinking and driving.

I know I needed help and my go to was church but I was angry and tired of hearing leave it to Jesus. I had to find a Therapist to get help because I was mad at God. He let me go through this, and no one was listening to my pain they were just telling me to get over it.
I was tired of talking to people who wanted me to leave forget the past but I couldn't it because my past hurt me.

My counselor helped me sort out my pain and spoke to me about the God of Love.

He sent me help. In a way, I didn't think he would. I knew I needed help but I thought counseling was not in God's plans but He knew what I needed.

God had a plan for me, and It was to help me find my voice.
I no longer had to keep secrets about my abuse.
I started to tell people my story and found women who stories were similar to mine.
Sometimes I feel like a fraud because  some days the pain is still there.



I still struggling, I am still fighting to be a better woman and I still  fail a lot but I am no longer looking for the girl I was before the abuse. I am still alive, and all I need to do is fulfill what Gods purpose is in my life regardless of my battles.

He said to cast your burdens upon him, and he will give you rest. Psalm 55:22