Tis The Season

Tis the season where you're excited about the holidays and anticipate the longer shopping days and the gift exchange.



The holiday season and end of the year comes with a mixture of emotion.



I have a love-hate relationship with The Holiday season.


A part of me is overwhelmed by the joy of our savior's birth (regardless if the time is not accurate) and what it means to my life.

The other Part makes me sad about the people I lost and the Struggles I faced with Christmas.


Christmas was always weird in my home at a very early age I remember most holidays were considered Pagan holidays and were not to be celebrated. The only days we celebrated were Holy

http://www.hwalibrary.com/cgi-bin/get/hwa.cgi?action=getbklet&InfoID=1313850170

Days from the old testament bible. My mom had this book with a Santa Mask on it, breaking down who Santa was.

I never had the chance to believe in Santa, easter bunny or anything. My daughter believes not because we taught her or talk about it but she does, and the idea of taking that away from her is not something I'd entertain right now. She needs to hold on to her innocents a little longer she will figure it out.

I've had some good Christmases but only two great Christmases that stand out in my mind before my daughter was born.



When I was seven or eight years old, my dad (biological) brought us tons of gifts. We were sitting in the dark living room close to a heater with almost no lights on in the house my grandfather said my dad was coming over we were excited but cautious because he always said he was coming he rarely showed. He showed up that day with two large bags full of toys. 

We were so excited that we ran upstairs and decided we wanted to share before my mother could help us pick out what we wanted we ended up with the leftover toys I couldn't remember which. We were so excited to share we didn't consider the fact that everyone got presents from their parents and this was the first year we were getting gifts for Christmas from our parents. That day I was so excited to show them my dad was awesome. I was proud I finally have a dad I can brag about even if it was this one thing. It was my good memory of him.




Another Christmas I remember I was around 18yrs old and I was so excited to celebrate our first Christmas, I went out and bought everyone lots of gifts with my Macy Discount. It was my first official year I could say Merry Christmas.


The following year I went and purchased our family's first Christmas tree and put it in the front seat of my car (pines everywhere) I went to K-Mart in Bay Plaza in the Bronx and bought all type of ornaments and decorations, and we over decorated this tree and we had so much fun because for the first time we had our own tree.



The last few years we have had one struggle after another. This year season was the worst. I heard families collecting or the needy and this year I was the needy. I was looking for places giving out free gifts for kids because I didn't want her to feel left out this Christmas. We've had to make decisions on whether we need the lights on, food, rent or gifts and thank God she has so many people who love her that she never felt our struggle.

She has enjoyed each year and been grateful. We got her one toy this year and she was so excited for that toy I wanted to buy her more but in due time (disability you never know when you will get paid).





It's been a struggle for my family with everything, but we are grateful for finally having our space after 3yrs of living in other people's homes. We purchase our first couch after being married for 13yrs. She has her room and bedroom set.






I can't be embarrassed by my struggles because I know others have gone through worse and a lot of families are still struggling.

I love all these charities that collect gifts but sometimes they are supporting everyone.

They don't get always get to people directly affected in your areas. 

I ask that people support families in your immediate communities, your family friends and neighbors will appreciate the charity.

Pay for outstanding lunch balances.

Go directly to a school and bring a book bag or two filled with supplies, add basic needs such as socks and T-Shirts.

Help parents get uniforms and clothing for school (not every child in private school has money).

The average parent who makes enough to support their home struggle with these things and most don't qualify for help. 

Especially if you know charities that can help people, please share them. 

Some people are too afraid of being judged (a person and assume another is mismanaging their money and have no other reason to fall into problems) to tell you they are struggling. 

We were Lucky to have family to make my daughter's Christmas amazing.

I shared my holiday struggles because we all have are challenges and being grateful for the challenges allows you to appreciate the blessings.

Everyday that I breath is a day I can change and make a difference.

Looking for me

      I don't remember the day I lost me but I remember the day I realized I was lost. I wondered where everyone was when she disappeared.
I listen to women like Oprah and my cousin talk about how they overcame their abuse, and all I could think of is how I missed the opportunity to be a better woman. I felt like it destroyed who I could have been, my first destiny.
I would hear their stories and cry happy tears because they overcame but then my heart would break because I also felt like a failure. The weekend I went to Oprah Winfrey's The life you want. I cried a lot all these amazing things that should be in my "well-rounded circle of family, friends, education and travel were empty. I remember one women was crying because she felt discouraged and we cheering her on because of her educational accomplishments, we cheered on others women who felt disappointed but had other accomplishments like purchasing their home or getting second degrees although they felt they didn't have much We encouraged them and was happy they had more then they thought. I cried because as we celebrated their achievements', I realized I didn't even have that to celebrate. I kept thinking why didn't I overcome my abuse and be this empowered well-rounded women.
I spent 20yrs of my 34yrs looking for me. The me I was before I was sexual assault. The person I could be, had I not been fighting depression and suicide.
I went looking for Me in my 14yr old self. I found a boy who loved me back then. It took too long to realize he didn't love me now. It took me too long to realize I didn't love him either. I was delusional about what he meant to me and me how he felt. I loved the dream we had at 14yrs old but we weren't the same people we were back then. I was damaged goods, and he never let me forget it, with every comparison to other women, to every snarky remark about my now overweight body. He never let me forget I was something to do. The look of intensity I took for as love the couple minutes of passion as a down payment. I would drop everything to show him I loved him and he would tell me all the reasons he could never love me. I figured it was a matter of time before he changed his mind and loved me back because he knew me when before I was the girl being abused when I could separate what was happening to me and my real life. He also knew he didn't want me, but he never let me walk away until I decided to set the bridge on fire that connects us.

Where was she? I went to look for her in a man, and when I couldn't find her in him, I looked for her in alcohol, partying, other women and sex.
I decided to use sex, partying and alcohol by being present in it enjoying every shot of tequila and every glass of champagne every drunken night every strip club and every song to quiet the pain. I even tried smoking which didn't last long. It was all for the love of a good time.
Sex was mine to give now, and I wanted to be good.  I was allowing them to be with me they should be honored. It was no longer being taken from me or used to control me I authorized this sexual encounter, and I decide what I want to do. I figured I could get back my power. I wanted to be better than whoever they had before because I wanted them to love me so I can control their heart but who was I fooling?
Sex was good, but I was left feeling empty.


The man I met at 18 years old loved me in spite of the broken person I was. He was my friend even when I didn't know what I was looking for. He let me hold a piece of his heart and I damaged it. I didn't realize it until I decided to accept that I am the girl who was sexually abused for close to 8 years of her life.
 I was so angry at myself for hurting him that I pushed him away because he was my reality. He reminded me that I was broken. I was looking for this spark and fireworks, but he wasn't that. He was security, consistency, and reality. He gave me space to find who I was and what I needed.
He became my hero my savior, my superman and when he lost himself in our brokenness and fell apart, I had to accept he was human and I had to learn to love him like he loved me for the years I went searching for me.

I had to find my peace in someone bigger than us both because our daughter needs whole parents.

I found myself overwhelmed with sadness because I didn't understand my purpose and I was ashamed of what I've done. I couldn't figure out why I didn't die when I tried to commit suicide or my many days partying, drinking and driving.

I know I needed help and my go to was church but I was angry and tired of hearing leave it to Jesus. I had to find a Therapist to get help because I was mad at God. He let me go through this, and no one was listening to my pain they were just telling me to get over it.
I was tired of talking to people who wanted me to leave forget the past but I couldn't it because my past hurt me.

My counselor helped me sort out my pain and spoke to me about the God of Love.

He sent me help. In a way, I didn't think he would. I knew I needed help but I thought counseling was not in God's plans but He knew what I needed.

God had a plan for me, and It was to help me find my voice.
I no longer had to keep secrets about my abuse.
I started to tell people my story and found women who stories were similar to mine.
Sometimes I feel like a fraud because  some days the pain is still there.



I still struggling, I am still fighting to be a better woman and I still  fail a lot but I am no longer looking for the girl I was before the abuse. I am still alive, and all I need to do is fulfill what Gods purpose is in my life regardless of my battles.

He said to cast your burdens upon him, and he will give you rest. Psalm 55:22

Falling Apart

  About four years ago I chose to go back to school and at the same time I made that decision everything in my life went wrong. 

The week I started researching online programs, a patient fell on me and sprained my neck. I was put out of work .  Things kept getting worse but I decided this minor setback can't stop me and I continued my search for schools. I chose a few online programs in my career path and started speaking to student advisors. A few days into my search my sister and daughter were in a car accident. During the entire ordeal my marriage was falling apart and the same week of the car accident my husband moved out. 

I was laying on my couch ( most comfortable place) after taking the muscle relaxers prescribed, and all I could think of was "what else could go wrong?" as I was finally drifting off to sleep.  All of a sudden a loud, forceful knock on my door shuck me out of my sleep.  Reminded me not to ask that question again. It took a few minutes to register what was happening and get off the couch, but finally got up and open the door. There stood the housing Marshall there to serve me an eviction notice with my landlady. I was so over the day I took the paper and told them they are rude and thanked them. I told them "I am not signing anything, and you can describe me" as I closed the door in their face. I laid back down and went to sleep. I had no energy to deal with a seventy-two-hour eviction notice. My gross income put me in a tax bracket where I made too much for help but not enough to survive, so affordable housing by income was a lot.  I was unable to find a home suitable for my daughter and I the places that I could afford look like crack dens. It is so frustrating to work full time and have still had trouble paying rent.

I was numb and tired I was becoming overwhelming.


I finally ran out of options, and I ask my husband to come back and help me pack.  As the deadline approached, I had no place to stay, and the apartments I saw weren't viable options. I had one more option I prayed. I called my uncle and asked if he had a room for me to stay. He said he did and I moved in. As I talked to my uncle, he tells me that my grandmother is the hospital and she is not doing well. 
I just knew she was going to be ok so I decided that she will be ok.

I was only thinking about myself, but the reality was, I could barely walk, and I was in excruciating pain, and I was sharing custody of my daughter, and because I had the car, I drove 76 miles each way to get her. I could barely sit, but I had to see her, she was my little light. I was over what ever severe challenges God had for me next. I wanted to give up; I kept fighting for her.

I was so used to chaos as a common place but this time around I felt like I was losing it. I wanted to fix it and stop the chaos to from entering my life. I wanted a break, to think because I was starting to feel crazy.  I started to drink to numb the pain. Just one glass during the week a bottle or two on weekends of sparkling wine to whine down the crazy.  I thought great another three years of hell, and I was right. It was a pattern in my life.
 In November of that year, my grandmother died I was devastated. I thought about the life she lived and prayed she died happily, She was 74 years old, but I hoped she lived. 

I cried for my aunts; I cried because death was so real and permanent! I cried because my mom and I barely had a relationship and I did not know if we ever could. I cried because it was too much pain!

This was my life, here we go again!  Every 2 or 3 years my life seems to blows up, and although it comes back together, I lost so much. In the 13 years of my marriage, I spent so many years in this cycle I could not understand what I was missing what lesson did I miss.
I was so tired of this cycle that I did not ask God why. I did not even bother to wonder why this was happening to me again. I was angry at myself! I blamed myself I was blowing up my own life, but I could not stop it. 
 I had already turned the pilot light off and let the gas seep out the stove, and I smelled it. I convinced everyone that everything was fine, but I knew anything could happen. I was smiling and laughed all the while in pain and hurting I held onto my daughter as tight as I  could to protect her, but I was also holding the matches ready to light them.

 I could not be shocked as the walls of my house fell apart.  I think my whole life was wrong and this was not new. The fire was consuming me, and I was not even in shock as I stood there fanning the flames by letting things in my life spiraling more out of control. I  was hoping I would die during this, but I knew he would not let me die because I had to keep going through this pain. I expect to live with the consequences, but I was getting angry. 

I never had an easy life, and my childhood wasn't great. I grew up so confident that because of all the pain I endured my life would be that much better. Boy Was I wrong.

This is my story at least part of it anyway.

I have never officially written a blog I got on blogger.com for a philosophy class which I realize I took almost eight years ago. I do not consider myself a writer, but I love, love, love, to talk. In the last two weeks, I have been dealing with laryngitis, and I cannot talk as much as I want to because it hurts. I never realize how much I needed to speak until now when I can't it is honestly more painful mentally and more challenging than I ever thought it would be.  I've always felt the need to fill uncomfortable silence with chatter (I am annoying that way) it actually embarrassing. It's my way of getting that nervous energy out. To fill the noise in my head. It soothes me.

       In the past few years, I have had to remove myself from friends and let people go because of my need to tell people so much of my life. There were moments in my life that nothing was going right and I was looking around, and everyone seemed to be living their dreams while I was living a nightmare. I was becoming toxic to my self with envy and to others because I was happy for them and hurt because I was not there. I was angry with my struggles and impatient waiting on my turn. Asking "WHAT LESSON ARE YOU TRYING TO TEACH ME"?  It was a hard transition because the more people I let go, the fewer people I have to talk to, but the more time I had to think about the lesson in that moment of struggle.  I have a few people I consider friends that I spoke with but not many. Some I met recently other I known since I was a kid. I always hear people say no new friends but these women were exactly what I needed. 
                   At 34yrs old, I am figuring who needs to know what about my life and who I should leave completely alone. 
I am also learning to set boundaries in my relationships. I am learning to separate myself from people and things that can be draining.  
So the best way for me to go through this transition is writing. I want to get my thoughts down and work on me, but sometimes I just can't type fast enough.  
    I am taking this time to work on my life, my thoughts and my spelling and grammar, I am working on it all. I have so much I need to do, and it's time to do it. I know my time is running out and I need to do what I came to earth before it's too late! It's not that I am going die it knowing that it is time to get ready for my purpose! I wasn't ready, and the opportunity is approaching I have to be willing, so it won't walks right by me. The people I loved and were being blessed went through the struggled, learned the lesson and was ready for their opportunity. The thing with social media is that people will highlight their great moments but never show you their struggles and that ok but do not measure yourself with what seems to be their lack of fight. Their struggles and lessons are going on behind the scene, and comparison always ends up with the feeling of defeat!