Broken heart

      I was so excited for the New Year to begin so happy to see what new things were in store for me. I found my calling as a sexual abuse and mental health advocate (I even spoke at a few events).

I was out of work for 2 months after a horrible car accident and finally got paid for that time. I was able to pay rent and all my bills, and even had enough money to get my hair done without guilt.

The best part is I was finally started feeling better. I no longer had to use a cane everyday and even walking with less of a limp.
Life was looking up!

I was excited about what 2017 was going to bring. 
I was ready to go back to work even though I was still in some pain but it was time.

With the money left over I was able to celebrate one of my little brothers graduating from the Air Force. I smiled so much seeing my brother grow up.  I even cried at how big my baby brothers were and how tall and mature they've become. 

I spoke with my other little brother Nigel and he was so excited about his graduation and school. I am proud of both of them, I told them I was. They no longer babies they were becoming men. My mom was excited about how amazing his grades were he had over a 4.0 grade point average, how well he was doing at home and how helpful he was at home. She was so excited at how much a man he was becoming.
         
My family was getting our shot of being together, we finally can put behind the "saga".  My mother and I started making plans to go to Orlando, Florida with my brothers in July before Nigel went to college and Tahir went back to the Air Force. 2017 couldn't start any better. 

I start post so much on social media; I feel I am a bit addicted.

I got a text asking if I wanted to fast, I thought, not really, who would want to? So I continued about my day.

 I looked at the text again and thought maybe I should.

I do need to take a break off Facebook and Instagram and maybe cut down on TV, while I am at it I stand lose a few pounds.

 I logged onto Facebook and posted something on the state of our country at 4:06pm and in that corner of my phone I see that Nigel was logged on and I thought I do have to asked him something but as I clicked on his name my daughter called me and I was distracted.

 I went to look at my phone again and reposted something I saw on my friend's page at 4:15pm.

I go back and start to text him this time directly and was distracted once again preparing dinner.

I got ready relax and and call my mother it was close to 5pm(I normally speak to her as she heads home) but one of my friends called and we spoke for a while.

 I ended up falling asleep for a couple hours and got up to see if my daughter was in her bed.

I get a text at around 9pm to come to my friend's house it's an emergency.

I wasn't in the mood to go anywhere so I called to see if it was necessary. They said come now and bring my husband. 

The closer to the house the more nervous I was.

I thought maybe something happened to my dad.

I hoped my mom was OK and I was about call her but fear kept me from calling anyone. I didn't want to find out my mom was sick or father died while in the car, plus we were close.

We took the elevator upstairs and I was escorted right into the bedroom.  Everyone was there and the mood felt weird. I heard someone said my brother and I was like ok he got sick because this is too dramatic?

I was confused an eerily calm because I just knew we were all ok we been through too much.

As people gather around us my heart started to race.  My aunt finally broke the silent, she told my sister and I my little brother was dead. People started talking and I couldn't hear them, I couldn't understand why someone would play a cruel joke or say something so mean.

I asked if he was in the hospital and they were working on him. I figured maybe that's what she meant because God performs miracles.

She said he is gone.

I ask again did they try everything they could.

They told me they tried to wake him up but he is gone.

I was in too much shock to cry. 

I felt myself enter an alternate reality like this sick dream that I can't wake up from till it's over.

I looked at everyone in the rooms faces every line, every tear the grimaces on their face and I said why would you guys say that to us.

I wanted to know did they hate us that much that they would say such malicious things to us.

I heard my sister screaming and my brother saying Nigel.

Everything was happening so fast but in complete slow motion I felt myself try to disconnect from the entire situation because I couldn't take the pain, I felt lost.

I must have said Nigel a million times because it wasn't real (it's still not). 

I looked at my phone because I needed to call him but I was scared if he knew they would play such a mean joke.

I got angry at everyone and I wanted to go home, I couldn't understand why people would be so brutal to us. They wouldn't let me go home. 

I started to cry because I wanted to know, why my family was being hit with this, why my brother!

My baby, My baby brother.

I kept saying his name to understand if I was really living this moment, I hoped maybe I lost my mind and this was a prison of my worst nightmare.

I said his name again so I can hear my own voice my voice sounded weird.

I thought maybe I went deaf that I can't hear what they are saying. 

I wanted to call my mother and see if she was OK if she is alive if it's real but I didn't know what to say to her. When we heard her voice my heart broke. From the sound of her voice I knew it was true. I wanted to run to her to protect her and make this go away.

 I wanted to fix it so that we can make it go away. I wanted to scream, cry and run away from the news because I figured if I could run from the pain it wouldn't be true the pain wouldn't touch me I could out run this. I wanted to protect my family from this I wanted to fix it but I was barely walking on my own legs. 

I decided I was going to Maryland to see my mom. I got home and got my suitcase out.

I had barely unpacked from seeing my other brother graduate and now here I am running to my mom. This still wasn't real.

I called my best friend to tell her what sick things people have said I was hoping she could tell me it was a dream but as she cried with me I started to realize this maybe real.

I started to feel more confused wondering why no one was telling me to wake up and this is a bad dream.

We packed 3 people in less than 30 minutes and left.

 I had to get to my mother so we got on the road and drove 5hr to Maryland. 

I had to secure care for my dog so I called my cousin and I could barely get the words out. I knew if I told her then it would be true and it just can't be true.

Here we go again the family with problems.

We were always going through something and I hated that.

My family can't go through another tragedy; we barely survived the first one.

We got to Maryland at around 5:30am I seen this little broken lady with so many tears and I held her frail body in my arms as she cried in despair.  We sat in the dark hoping that the new day would bring an awakening and the nightmare would be over. He would wake up and we can go home.  

We heard his alarm go off for school but he never came out the room.

I was so hurt and confused I wanted God to help me and stop the pain to make it go away bring my baby brother back.  

I wanted people to pray and wake him up.

We tried to go see him go to the Medical Examiner's office and lay hands on him but they said the autopsy began it was only 7:30am.

They didn't even give us a chance to hold his hand or see his face.

I was still hoping this is all fake or we were doing this because this is what you do but in my mind he was going to wake up.

 We ( my brother, sister in law, husband and I) went to his school to get his stuff and the principal had the announcements ready. He read was already informed a student passed, as he read the announcements my sister-in-law burst into tears and I started realizing maybe he was really gone.

As the teachers offered their condolences we walked out and students started to enter the school the realization that would never walk the halls again made the tears flow again.

That first day brought more tears because the reality was setting in.

I went through my head and tried to figure out how I could have stopped his death? Maybe I could have gotten him help sooner. 

I was hurting my brothers gone.

I thought maybe somehow if I called him he would be alive or we would get to him in enough time. 

The whole week I continued to hear people ask about his dad and say they wish he was here. I felt defeated. 

I thought about when I was his age and I tried to take my life and asked myself if I was gone would I have saved his life?

My mom's alone and it feels wrong.

I considered the part I played since his father's in Jail because of my story; maybe if his dad was there he would still be here?

Maybe I could have just kept my mouth shut, maybe he would be alive.

Here we are again another problem the same family.

My heart is broken! I didn't know who to blame

My family is broken, so I could only blame myself. 

We were become a family trying to fix the damage we thought we had a chance to repair it. 

All of us together.

My brother was buried on January 21st 2017 in the same cemetery as my grandparents.

Our lives will never be the same and I am not ready to let him go. 

I hoped that he would come back and I could see his shy smile as he looks at his feet and called me old. 

I think about everything he would have been. The amazing person he was becoming.

He was only 17yrs old.

He won't get to turn 18yrs old on May 14th, or Graduate High school on June 6th. 

He will never get married or have a girlfriend.

He won't get to go to college or get his first job.

He won't have any Children; he won't be here to enjoy the sun.

He won't see his friends in Yonkers during the winter break.

We won't get to get on all the rides or hop in the pool in Orlando.

We watched him grow up, Changed his diaper fed him and listen to his deep voice spoke about school and life.

My mom bragged about how amazing and happy he was.

He was just starting to become a man.

I got to hold his hand at my brother's wedding and he made fun of me as I cried during the entire ceremony.

Who knew that would be the last time I get to hold his hand, touch his arm and laugh with him.

I am trying to continue living but sometimes I feel guilty for being alive, for smiling for getting the chance to do the things he didn't. 

My brother was looking forward to so much in life I heard the smile in his voice as he invited me to graduation and I told him I was going to be going to Orlando with him.

His life ended way too soon. 

I still hope he wakes up and says hey Nick. 

I lived with anxiety for so long and when I finally got through it. It felt like I lost my footing again.

I had a fear for every great thing that happen something terrible will follow.

I started to relax and accept the good in life with no strings attached.

Then this happened the good was here and the bad were following me to remind me that it will always be there to make sure I am never too happy. 

Everyone says God got this, don't question him, he knows everything and is the orchestrator of all thing. 

People told me don't question him.

I had questions.

I wanted to be that faithful and just accept that this was part of God's plans but I am in pain.

I wanted to know why him, why at 17yrs old?

Why didn't he get a second chance? Why did I?

I didn't want to be angry at God but I was, sometimes I still am!

I was Disappointed and I lost my faith.

I wondered who he was going to take next.

Is it me? Did I anger you?

Or are you just allow me to live as you take the ones I love?

 I wondered was I waiting on earth hoping to die from the pain as you take my family one by one.

I waited for an answer..................................................................... I am still waiting.

I am still in pain but I have more than a few reasons to keep living. 

I found comfort in people who understood my pain.

People who also lost their sibling, they understand my pain my tears.

People said to us you got to let him go. I hated people who said get over it, how could I get over?

I will never just get over it. I lost a part of me.

We lost a part of our hearts and don't know how to walk away from it.

We are putting our lives back together hoping that the reason for our loss will be revealed.

I know there are people who have gone through this and lived.

I know I can comfort someone who has gone through this even though I wish no one had to ever go through this.

I thank everyone comforted me, with calls or sent me text to let me know they were thinking of me. 

It helped even when I didn't know what to say nor did they.

I have a story to tell. 

It may not always be a happy story but it's a story of perseverance.

Life keeps kicking me down but I am still here. 

I won't stop telling my story or my families because we are still here.

I can't keep secrets because I am broken and I want you see my scars to know that I understand.

Life isn't always about Sunshine and Love but I am here for you. 

I am working on living because pain didn't break me although I feel broken.

I am alive no matter how many times I fall.

I am working on getting my Joy although a part of my heart is gone.

I am still a work in progress.

I know my life will be a fight but I will keep fighting.

I miss my Baby brother!

I say his name Nigel, Nigel, Nigel because he's my Nigel because I Loved that name and called him Nigel from the day my mom told me she was having a boy. 

I remember his 10 little toes pressed against my mom's belly as I called his name like he was ready to leap out of her body into my arms.

He knew his name before he was born. 

He knew my voice.

I remember the doctors telling us my mom or Nigel may not make through delivery and I got on my knees and asked God to spare them because I needed them. 

He heard my cries.

I wonder if he still hears me now or have I done too much?

I took Nigel to his very first doctor's appointment and remember how I hated to put him down.

He was born when I was 17yrs old and he died at 17yrs old.

I am not ready to let him go because he was my baby.

I miss your face, your sarcasm and wit. 

I love you little Chunky Baby Nigel!